THE GOLDENBOY SAGA

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Archive for the ‘Funny Read’ Category

Oh, the Places You’ll Actually Go!

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Written by Brando P

June 14, 2010 at 1:35 AM

Posted in Funny Read

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Jokes- GET LUCKY WITH WIFE – POINT SYSTEM

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GET LUCKY WITH WIFE – POINT SYSTEM (You will appreciate it a lot if you are married)

SIMPLE DUTIES

– You make the bed (+1)
– You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
– You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

– You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)
– In the rain (+8)
– But return with Beer (-5)
– You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
– You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
– You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
– You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
– It’s her pet (-10)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

– You stay by her side the entire party (0)
– You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a
college buddy (-2)
– Named Tina (-4)
– Tina is a dancer (-10)

HER BIRTHDAY

– You take her out to dinner (0)
– You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar (+1)
– Okay, it’s a sports bar (-2)
– And it’s all-you-can- eat night (-3)
– It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can- eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT

– You take her to a movie (+2)
– You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
– You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
– You take her to a movie you like (-2)
– It’s called ‘DeathCop’ (-3)
– You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE

– You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
– You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
– You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
– You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.” (-8000)

ENJOY THE ‘BIG’ QUESTION

– She asks, “Do I look fat?” (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]
– You hesitate in responding (-10)
– You reply, “Where?” (-35)
– Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION

– When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned _____expression (0)
– You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
– You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
– She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)

Written by Brando P

June 11, 2010 at 8:44 AM

Posted in Funny Read

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Honest Movie Titles

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Written by Brando P

March 8, 2010 at 9:41 AM

Posted in Film, Funny Read

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AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

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AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU’LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE – WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN’T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN’T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN’T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU’VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES – NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

Written by Brando P

February 19, 2010 at 11:09 AM

Posted in Funny Read

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Horse Farm

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Horse Farm

Original ad:
I am a 18 year old looking for a summer job. it is hard for me to find work and I just want a job so I can afford a car for college next summer. I can clean, babysit, answer phones, pretty much whatever as long as it pays!!

From Mike Anderson to ***********@***********.org
Hey,

I saw your ad looking for work and I think I have a job for you! I am looking for an assistant on my farm for the summer. It will involve working outdoors. Let me know if you are interested.

Mike

From Stephanie ******* to Me
Hi Mike! I am interested in your job! I love animals and used to ride horses so a farm would be great! what kind of work would I be doing, and where is your farm located? it needs to be close to ******** so my parents can drop me off and pick meup

From Mike Anderson to Stephanie *********
Stephanie,

It is very close to **********. I’m glad to hear you are familiar with horses, because you will be primarily working with horses.

My farm gets all the old horses that other farms don’t need anymore, and they are starting to take up a lot of room in my stable, which I want to turn into a garage for my new truck. Therefore, the horses need to go. As my assistant, you will be in charge of killing the horses and dumping them in the lake behind my farm.

I used to have a captive bolt pistol (cattle gun) that I used to put them down, but it broke when I tried to use it to tap a keg. You’ll probably have to use my 12-gauge shotgun to put them down. Sometimes they don’t die right away when you shoot them, and will start freaking out. You just have to stay calm and keep shooting. Don’t worry, I’ll show you how to use the shotgun if you aren’t familiar with one.

You then need to use my chainsaw to cut the horses into smaller parts that you can carry down to the lake. It can get a little messy, so I suggest wearing some clothes that you don’t care about, or some clothes that the horse blood would compliment.

The lake isn’t mine, it is my neighbor’s. He gets kind of angry when he sees me dumping dead horses in his lake, so you have to make sure he isn’t around when you do it. I have some cinderblocks you can use to weigh the horses down so he won’t see them.

I have a lot of horses, and each horse takes about an hour and a half to dispose of, so you should have plenty of work. The job will pay $15 an hour. When can you start?

Mike

From Stephanie ******* to Me
omg that is HORRIBLE! That is truely awful and sick!! Why cant you just give the poor horses away? sorry but I am not helping you slaughter horses!!!

From Mike Anderson to Stephanie *********
Stephanie,

I’m sorry if you are a bit surprised, but this is how farms work. You can’t give away old horses, you have to kill them. I thought about it, and if you don’t want to use the chainsaw to cut up the horses, you can just use my truck to drag them down to the lake. Do you have your license or permit? If not, this could be good driving practice for you. You don’t want to pass up on this great job opportunity.

Mike

From Stephanie ******* to Me
No that is not how farms work you are just SICK! I am NOT interested

From Mike Anderson to Stephanie *********
Stephanie you are going to regret this some day when you try to get a real job. I think this would look great on your resume.


Written by Brando P

February 11, 2010 at 2:57 AM

Posted in Funny Read

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Xbox Repairman

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Xbox Repairman

Original ad:
Broken Xbox 360? Red ring of death? Disc-read error? No problem! We repair broken Xbox 360s for $50 or less. Call or email ***-***-2811 or **********@comcast.net

From Me to **********@comcast.net:
Hello,

I sure hope you will be able to help me. I’m not sure what is wrong with my Xbox but it will not turn on. I’ve tried plugging it in to a bunch of different outlets, but none of them seem to work. Do you think you can help?

Thanks,

Mike

From Dean ****** to Me:

Hi Mike,

The outlet most likely has nothing to do with why your system won’t turn on.

I certainly can help you though. I will rectify your xbox and can have it back to you in a week or so depending on the problem. Do you live in the area or would you like to ship the console?

Dean

From Me to Dean ******:

Oh my god, you are sick! I will not let you do that unspeakable act to my Xbox. I always knew that the internet is full of freaks and sexual deviants, but you have reached a new low. I thought your ad was for Xbox repairs, but I have been horribly mistaken.

From Dean ****** to Me:

Mike,

I’m not sure what you think I was saying. To rectify is to repair or mend something that is broken. I was only trying to tell you that I would repair your Xbox. I am sorry for any misunderstanding.

Dean

From Me to Dean ******:

Dean,

Don’t lie to me. I know what rectify means, and the fact that you want to do it with an Xbox is disgusting. I can’t even imagine how it is possible to do it with something that big, or what kind of pleasure that could possibly bring to a pervert like you. Regardless, I want my Xbox to be fixed, not to be violated and returned to me covered in ass hairs and feces. I will just mail it back to where I bought it and hope that the warranty is not void.

Mike

From Dean ****** to Me:

You clearly don’t know the definition of rectify. I assure you I only want to fix your system.

From Me to Dean ******:

Dean,

I don’t even want to know what you mean by “fix my system.” Leave me alone before I call the police, you pervert.

Mike

From Dean ****** to Me:

I mean I am going to solve the problem that is causing your Xbox 360 to not turn on. That is all.

From Me to Dean ******:

Dean,

Even if you did return it to me and it worked, I would never be able to look at my Xbox the same way. There will always be the thought in the back of my mind that you took it and violated it.

I am going to post an ad warning other unsuspecting victims about the true disgusting motive behind your ad. What you are doing is sick.

Mike

From Dean ****** to Me:

If you do that then I will post an ad explaining that you are a fucking idiot that doesn’t know what “rectify” means. Go fuck yourself.

Written by Brando P

February 11, 2010 at 2:53 AM

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Awkward Facebook Moment

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Written by Brando P

February 9, 2010 at 11:50 PM

Posted in Funny Read

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